Funny quotes plays an essential role in our life and its proven that laughing is the best therapy ever,we bet these funny quotes will definitely make you laugh .some of them are said by great celebrity like Marilyn Monroe , Albert Einstein , William Shakespeare. Bookmark this Page for latest updates on funny quotes.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein 

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”― Winston S. Churchill “If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?”

Jerry Seinfeld 

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

Rodney Dangerfield 

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.”I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.”I went to see my psychiatrist the other day and told him that I was talking to myself. He replied, “That’s all right. Just hold a mobile phone by your mouth.”“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

–George Carlin 

Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.”-- Unkown

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”-- 


“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”

–Leo J. Burke 

“I’m not dumb, I just think less to avoid all the headaches.”


“I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.”


“Your age doesn’t lie. Neither does that face.”


“It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable.”


“My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.”-- 


“A good man is hard to find. A good midget is even harder to find…especially in a large crowd.”

M.J. McGuire 

10 Funny Facts 

You can’t wash your eyes with soap.You can’t count your hairs. 
You can’t breathe through your nose,
with your tongue out.
You just tried No. 3. 
When you did No. 3 ,you realized it’s possible only you look like a dog. 
You’re smiling right now because you’re fooled. 
You skipped No. 5. 
You just checked to see if there’s No. 5 
Share this with your friends to have some fun too.

 “I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.”

Groucho Marx 

“You’re about as pleasant as an itchy butthole.”-


“I just Googled “what do women REALLY want?”My computer crashed.


“Don’t follow my footsteps. I run into walls.


“If I am extra sarcastic with you it probably means I’m flirting with you or you really annoy me or I can’t handle your shit. Have fun figuring out which.


“I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.”


“When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?”-- 


I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”-


If a man said he’ll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.


I have two daughters and both are girls.”--


I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Steve Martin 

I wasn’t kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth.

Chico Marx 

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.”


Don’t drink and park –accidents cause people.


Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just kidding!”is my favorite.”


People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

Winnie the Pooh 

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

William Shakespeare

I put the pro in procrastinate.


Etc. –End of Thinking Capacity.


We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.


It’s all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game; hide and seek.”-- 


If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you’re a tool.”—


We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong.”


I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it.


You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

Chris Rock 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”


What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

John Green 

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

Marilyn Monroe 

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

George Carlin 

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain 

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

 Ellen DeGeneres